#that's just what she does: she's fuckin eldritch

[bam-monsterhospital]

as much as I personally enjoyed the main summerset quest, it is still yet another exhausting example of zos trying to shove elder scrolls lore into a more palatable standard dungeons & dragons paradigm, and as such the world suffers.

the biggest example is the lady-coded daedric princes here, Mephala and Nocturnal.  With Nocturnal being lampooned into mastermind woman-deciever, and Mephala --the webspinner, the eldritch abomination whose sphere is obscured and unknowable to mortals, the plans-within-plans deity-- is reduced to being another boring basic lolth clone.

[most-creature-vibe-tournament]

FINALS!!!

Propaganda:

Taylor Hebert (Worm (webserial by Wildbow))

Human girl who has superpowers that let her control bugs. She shunts all emotions off into her swarm of bugs, leaving her totally blank and stoic. She outsources sensory-input to her bugs, so she never looks or reacts to anything. In a fight, she reacts to opponents there is no possible way she could see, because she sensed them with her bugs. Overall has virtually no facial tells and moves in a way that makes her seem like she isn't a person. very creature <3 she is just a bug girl

shes such a FREAK. shes completely human (tho with an eldritch alien creature extradimensionally attached to her mind) but God does she not act like it sometimes. she has the superpower to control bugs and uses it to become the worlds most terrifying hero slash villain slash warlord slash apocalyptic threat. she has her bugs crawling all over her all the time. she uses a swarm of flies to scout out areas and then leaves flies in everybodys hair so she can keep track of where they are. she practiced having her bugs make noises until she figured out how to combine their noises into human speech so now she can talk through her swarm. she makes decoys of herself out of large pillars of bugs. once she was concussed and in the hospital and subconsciously calling her bugs to her so she was just covered in insects while the doctor tried to help her. then there was ANOTHER time she was hospitalized and got bored so she made a bunch of bugs so a little dance on her chest. whenever she's in costume and talking she has her bugs make noises to distort her voice and make her sound more scary and she doesnt even realize shes doing it anymore. she surrounds herself in a swarm to disorient her enemies. she doesn't even notice when her hair covers her eyes or anything like that because shes scouting out the area using her bugs so she doesnt have to see. she once used a tide of bugs to clean herself off and dust off her dress after having sex.

#she views herself as more of a swarm of bugs with a girl-shaped computer to control them than a girl herself#her body is just an extension of her bugs which is large and inconvenient but ultimately part of the weapon

#taylor “dissociates into bugs” hebert#taylor “keeps bugs in her hair” hebert#taylor “choke them with bugs” hebert#taylor “no one could ever love me” hebert#taylor “violence is always the answer” hebert

#normally i would want a worm character to win#but#bdubs is a strange little man. he's unusual.#Taylor's just got the 'tism.

she literally is a walking superorganism comprised of one human and a lot more bugs to the point where she frequently moves her head as if she can see through walls (with her bugs, she can), talks through her bugs, has been described like a corpse whose ghost is living on in her swarm, keeps functioning thru her bugs even when her human body is out for the count, et cetera. no disrespect intended but genuinely what in the world are you talking about. She cleans her pussy off with bugs after fucking. Her pussy. With bugs. And she thinks it's normal. Because the bugs are part of her. Is this thing on. I reiterate that she literally requires an emotional support cloak of bugs. She is so dissociated from being an actual person that she treats her human body like an inconvenience and her bugs like the primary operators. Is This Thing On.

#now i told myself i wouldnt comment anything on the rb... but#“She cleans her pussy off with bugs after fucking. Her pussy. With bugs.” CHAT IS THAT FUCKIN REAL??? IS THAT CANON???#cause if thats just a hc thats wild and i dont know if its better or worse if its canon#propaganda

this is indeed canon! there is a scene where, after fucking her boyfriend in an abandoned building, she stands up and cleans dust/etc off her naked ass body by having her bugs run across her and clean her, which presumably translates to "they are eating the dirt/sweat/etc off her." her boyfriend smiles affectionately at this, because he also has something wrong with him. she also does things like use bugs and spider silk to deliver her toothbrush straight to her hand in the morning while monologuing about "checking in on her hive" (her hive is the people in her villain territory.) she is a walking panopticon. her friends sometimes talk to bugs under the assumption it's taylor watching them and they're always right. at one point she confusedly asks someone if he's arachnophobic because he doesn't want her 10k black widow spiders to live in his apartment with him. she is basically like if a cockroach was a girl. I would never lie to you about Taylor Hebert, Unsung Champion of Polls About Weird Characters.

#taylor ofc#wait hey those are my tags as propaganda!! cool!#i stand by it#anyways yeah one of her main character traits when looked at by an outside perspective is just how WEIRD she is#everyone thinks she's a freak#even when you're reading her POV you sometimes have to stop and be like 'hey girl what the fuck'#one time she put bugs on her boyfriend's dick

She also turns into a bug monster at one point. Not all on her own, but she very much turns into a bug monster. Literally And Physically.

And she uses this to survive like a cockroach, she had Just Been Ripped In Fucking Half and thrown in the ocean to die and BOOM. bug monster transformation (with a little help) climb out and keep fighting, against an opponent so vast and powerful a human couldn't even comprehend his true form (not eldritch cognitohazard, just planet-sized + multidimensional), who could kill her in an instant. She's always surviving against the odds she's so cockroach coded (affectionate!) #@ pollrunner if you're still accepting propaganda please take the 'turns into a bug monster' as propaganda#the rest can be ignored or trimmed to 'she's always surviving she's so cockroach coded' but pleamse. the Time she Became A Bug

#she's such a freak!!!#she kills like it's the only thing she was built how to do#she kills people and things like it's chess and she's a grandmaster#as soon as the violence is off she's just a fucked up offputting little one woman panopticon

One of my favourite descriptions of Taylor from someone else's POV, from Interlude 14.

“A figure stood behind Yan. Her costume was barely recognizable—She wore a short cape of tattered black cloth over her body armor, a skintight black suit beneath that, and there were folds of black cloth draped around her legs like a dress or a robe. The entire fabric seemed to ripple and move. It took Sierra a second to realize it was crawling with a carpet of insects.”

“The disconcerting part was the girl’s face, or lack thereof. Her expression was masked behind a shifting mass of bugs that moved in and out of her hairline. Sierra couldn’t even tell where the bugs ended and the scalp began, as the small black bodies crawled into and onto the black curls. There was a hint of something like glass where Skitter’s eyes were, but the bugs ventured far enough over her eyelids and around the frames that nothing was visible in the way of goggles, glasses or skin.”

“Skitter hadn’t made a sound as she entered. She hadn’t spoken, and her footsteps had been quiet.”

#taylor “driving while blind wasn’t as hard as I’d thought it would be” hebert#taylor “hangs out in superpowered darkness for a long time without being at all worried” hebert#taylor “fools a near-perfect lie detecting hero by offloading her emotions on her bugs” hebert#taylor “figures out how to communicate with the Dog Autism girl like right away” hebert

#taylor hebert kill them with your self-sustained insectoid dehumanity!

Jonny d’Ville (The Mechanisms)

Since we’re not technically human

He’s so feral hes canonically committed every single crime theres a name for i think he deserves to have a tail that flicks around when hes being mischevous. perhaps some horns or fangs as well. as a treat

Idk why but he's a feral creature

Have you seen the man? Especially in that one picture where he is fully on the wall.

absolutely no canon implications that he isn't human, but that man* absolutely has a tail. and sharp teeth. and creature ears. he purrs but he pretends he doesn't and if you bring it up he'll bite you. he's had rabies more times than you can count.

#Just sayin#Johnny eats people and says it's not cannibalism if you aren't human

#DID LYF SING THE PART IN SLEEPING BEAUTY? NO. VOTE JONNY

#Jonny’s a creature#vote Jonny

#sorry for that Hermitfans but my boy Jonny is feral and i think he is a creature

#chat vote jonny#HES LITERALLY JUST A LITTLE CRITTER PLEASE

#look at that face#he’s a creacher

#it's jonny d'ville i don't have any more to say

All crimes but sex crimes, because Jonny isn’t a MONSTER

#JONNY#i'm so sorry pearl you are too well adjusted for this#he's got devil in his name#(that he gave himself because he's a huge fucking nerd)

#LITERALLY LOOK AT HIM THE GREMLIN ENERGY IS OFF THE CHARTS

#voted jonny for the rabies

also. hold up. the pearl propaganda is saying to vote for her because she's an alien and a bloodthirsty fighter? BOY DO I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU ABOUT JONNY FUCKING D'VILLE

five am pearl this five am pearl that, jonny's just like that all the time

#please vote jonny. i know we're pitting two bad bitches against each other but jonny has tried to eat a guitar

#CMON GUYS VOTE JONNY D’VILLE HES SUCH A CREATURE#HAVE YOU SEEN HIM??? HAVE YOU HEARD HIM TALK ABOUT THE OCTOKITTENS???#VOTE JONNY

#Jonny is such a creature

#jonny is literally THE creature

#come on vote Jonny that thing is creachur incarnate#and he can sing#his fave food is human flesh and more violence

Jonny man entire existence is teeth claws belts and trauma

#that guy is so feral#just vote jonny#also there was this one time where he found a half dead dude on the moon and brang it home to show to his gay pirate friends#just sayin#and also this harmonica solo over his father's dead body in one eyed jacks#iconic#anyway vote jonny

#literally jonny bites people and eats them regularly

[syoddeye]

the warren, part seven - call

price x f!reader | 4k words | series page | ao3 tags: background ghoap, multi pov, animal death, mentioned oral both f! and m!receiving, manipulation a/n: new friend next chapter; had to split this into two since it was getting way too long. shout out to gemma and tats <3. mdni banner by @/cafekitsune. 🔪

Bonnie. Bunny. Rabbit. Skittish thing. Brave thing. 

Hasn’t met her face-to-face yet, but he likes her. Her scent carries. The sillage of her floral soap drifts through the air, lingering just as vividly as it does on her pillow. She reads a lot of books. Admirable. He doesn’t have the patience anymore. She must be clever.

From what he’s seen, her work isn’t half-bad. Rough around the edges but better than the shite he’d cobble together. Couldn’t pay him to pretend to care about some dead cousin or happy bride. She doesn’t know a thing about pay rates, though. Strangers robbing her blind. Makes him angry.

John orders him to sabotage the laptop. Says if he manages it, he’ll earn a spot on the boat. So, of course, it’s done. He slips in with Simon and works his magic. Doesn’t take much given the computer’s age.

He leans into it when Simon drags his nails from his scalp to his nape. He should’ve known then, when Simon called him a good boy, that he’d be sent below to check the rabbits. He sulks into the dark.

The reward for good work is always more work.

The air turns eldritch and metallic in the back of his throat the further he travels, a thick miasma prone to clinging. After all this time, he hasn’t grown accustomed. It fills his mouth with a heavy, sour tang, and swallowing doesn’t get rid of it. He should’ve stolen a pillowcase.

His nose twitches at the notes of an unfamiliar scent cutting through the fog. A faint, sickly-sweet rot, like meat left too long. The smell gradually envelops the passage.

A lantern illuminates the edges of the twin hutches. There is no movement in the shadows beyond, but that isn’t what stops him in his tracks. There is no sound. No rustling or thumps. The rabbits do not gather in their nervous, curious way to greet him.

Treading closer, his vision adjusts, and he spots the first rabbit. Unnaturally still with its limbs bent at strange angles. Milky-white eyes tinged red, blood seeping from every orifice.

Fuckin’ grand.

He fucking hates it when this happens. Always puts John in a foul mood.

Huffing loudly, he rolls his sleeves and slips on the gloves jammed into his pocket. Stomping toward the hutches, he mutters a string of curses.

The reward for good work is always more work.

~~~~

You wake with a start, your heart thrashing against your ribs. Beside you, John’s chest steadily rises and falls in stark comparison to the shudder of your own. Squinting, you latch onto his hand flat over his abdomen as a focal point, coming down from whatever nightmare you must’ve had.

Though as your breathing evens out, the vague scent of brimstone and iron tickles your nose. It drifts over the bed and disappears as quickly as the remnants of your dread, with no trace lingering behind when you sit up and take deep breaths.

You wince at the hour on your phone, and recheck the unknown number. No update.

>> F741 >> hold

> Who is this?

Cryptic, to be sure, but you’ve received a message by mistake. It’s likely a pocket text.

You return your phone to its place, and John stirs. His eyes remain shut, but he reaches for you, his voice rough with sleep.

“You alright?”

“A bad dream,” you almost laugh, because of how silly you feel. Old houses have their sounds. Odors, too, you suppose. In response to his rumblings, you let him pull you down, and trace a soothing line over his chest, hoping he won’t notice the tremor in your touch.

As you cozy in, already sweating from the furnace that he is, you cannot shake the feeling of something unseen, a shadow or a specter, hiding just out of sight. 

~~~~

Romance.

John snorts derisively at the garish covers depicting happy couples. Some far-fetched nonsense called Museum Muse and Just Sign Here. She is right. He’s not inclined to read them. However, it is reassuring to know she craves it, even if she’s wary of it—love.

She certainly fantasizes about it. She’d deny it if asked, but considering the collected evidence, that isn’t necessary. All her gasping and whining. The shame is the cherry on top, something to savor each time she smothers her noises, even when alone.

Hearing the shower across the cabin, the sound of its stream breaking against her body is enough to make his cock twitch. He’s half a mind to intrude, but after waking her up on his tongue, he reckons she needs a break. Instead, he double-checks Soap’s work and thumbs through the borrowed titles toward a bookmark, curious about her salacious stories. To see if there’s anything useful to—

His thumb catches heavy cardstock. He cracks the spine and his eyes narrow on official letterhead.

Phillip Graves.

That man is swiftly climbing his list of problems. A biting fly buzzing around the ears of the populace. He glances from the card to the bathroom, tongue swiping over his teeth. She’s proving to be quite the crafty liar, too, though it’s more from fear than intent. A wound that makes her flinch, learned from that ingrate husband of hers. That particular man’s one more bump in the road, but simpler to handle than a fed. Everyone knows what to do with rats.

His ears perk when the water shuts off. He makes an impulsive decision.

She doesn’t notice, padding from the bathroom to the bedroom in a towel, but she does when she’s dressed.

“Feelin’ better?”

The poor thing gawks, her big eyes not on him, but the novel. She fidgets. “I thought you didn’t like those sorts of stories.”

“No, sweetheart, you assumed,” He corrects, twirling the improvised bookmark in his free hand. “Don’t worry. I remember your place.”

That gets her moving. She closes the distance, hovering at his side, hands twitching and clearly caught between snatching up the book or card.

“It’s stupid to use as a bookmark, but it’s what I had after Phil gave me his card at the diner.”

“Phil?” What a peculiar familiarity. “I don’t recall him giving you a card.”

“Oh.” She falters. There it is. “That’s right, he…may have stopped by the other day.”

“May have?’ What was he after, darl?” He pats the arm of the chair for her to sit, and snakes an arm around her. His fingertips skim just under the hem of her shirt, her skin soft and smooth from bathing. Her vellus hair stands on end beneath his fingertips. He’s always found it curious that the human body knows before the brain. A narrow wire to walk, but he’s had practice.

“He…he wanted to know about those boys who came into the store. The ones who…”

“Crashed their car?” 

Fucking rats. It sets his teeth on edge. ‘Phil’ could’ve asked any number of questions. John doubts she will tell him everything. He needs to install audio as soon as possible. 

John grins. “Is he trying to claim we’re in trouble because we sold them beer?”

“He hasn’t contacted you?”

“No. That’s rather unprofessional, don’t you think? He’ll badger my lovely employee but not me?” He pauses, then hums as if he’s made yet another discovery. He rubs her hip, putting on a slightly dejected air. “Oh, I see.”

“What? What is it?”

“He came onto you, didn’t he?” He casts his focus elsewhere as if he physically cannot look at her. “You’re not seeing him too, right?”

Predictably, it pushes her buttons. “What?! No!” She angles toward him. A hand lands on his shoulder, journeying shyly to his face to cup a cheek. “No, John.”

He leans into her palm and kisses its heel. Such a lovely creature. “Sorry, sweetheart. It’s not you, it’s me.” He sighs. “It’s happened before. Two-timin’. Makes me paranoid. Nothing puffs up my chest faster than another buck sniffin’ around.” He slips his fingers under hers, minding how easy it’d be to hold on and never let go.

“Loyalty is everything to me, y’know. I may know just about everyone in these parts, but my inner circle’s small. I’ve lost a lot of folk over the years. Some ties severed by my choice, others, not so much. Fate’s been cruel, so I’m quite protective.”

John tilts his head, relishing the softness in her face. Romance.

“Sometimes, I think there’s a greater force at play. That I must’ve done something right to have found you.” He squeezes her hand. “Rather, you found me, didn’t you? Could’ve run to any corner of this earth, but you chose this slice of Eden.”

Her smile is a balm for the weary spirit, his most restless of all. 

“Maybe it’s luck,” she suggests, then adds, “Or something. I certainly feel lucky, with everything you’ve done for me…” 

Ah, this old refrain. 

He says nothing, just watches as she shifts her weight, her eyes flitting down before she slowly moves, as if testing her decision prior to committing to it. Then, to his surprise, she lowers. Kneels. It tests his restraint, every fiber of his being baying for suppliance. Her palms nervously fit over his knees.

It’s only polite to ask. “You sure?”

She reaches for his belt with a nod. “I want to.”

He forces his mouth into a shape passable for humility and studies her expression. Devotion practically radiates off her, and an eagerness to show it. That’s something the others lacked. This is a start. Initiative and promise. Love.

A contentedness spreads through him, rolling down his spine in sync with the descent of his zipper. Rich and heavy as honey, warming him with a satisfaction he’d longed to taste. 

He remembers her place. She’s learning it.

~~~~

When John leaves, you brush your teeth. You stare into the mirror, faintly disbelieving, as if your eyes belong to a stranger. Didn’t think you’d do that any time soon, but it must be growth. The months away from the desert have reshaped you, revealing a gentler line to your mouth, a brightness to your gaze, and an ease to your brow. The thought of being a little happier feels dangerous. Fragile and premature. And yet, you cannot deny the woman in your reflection. Soap’s words ring clear.

Love’s got a way of changing people.

A phantom weight presses on your tongue the longer you look, and your face grows hot. 

Still. You smile and like what you see. 

~~

Days pass, and the number never texts back. John doesn’t mention Phil again.

The peace is an uneasy one, but you’ll take it.

There’s a lull at the store after the holiday, a return to the usual pace. John’s business takes him around the area, leaving you to staff the counter for a few afternoons. However, you suspect Soap’s loitering outside is no coincidence. He doesn’t bother you, but you wish he would. He was friendly enough at the boat before Simon’s interruption.

Lover’s quarrel, John had said, but Simon’s face suggested otherwise.

You can’t help the twinge in your chest, a trip cord wrapped around your heart. Though Soap admitted he was scared of Simon, he didn’t seem frightened. You grapple with the urge to reach out, the impulse caught in your throat like a stone, weighty with your own memories.

When you finally work up the nerve to ask if he wants to chat while you close, Simon’s with him, a helmet tucked under his arm. 

Through the window, you watch the men, Soap’s face aglow with excitement, swaying foot to foot. You don’t interrupt, familiar with the possible consequences. You decide to wait and ask Soap to walk you instead.

Of course, you’re not so lucky. 

“I’ll take you. Johnny’ll wait for Price.” Simon thrusts a spare helmet into your hands the moment you step outside.

There’s no discussion or debate. Simon watches you shove the helmet over your head with a look of rancor, a harsh set to his jaw, then swings a thick leg over the ATV. He doesn’t help as you climb on, slotting awkwardly behind him. You try to leave space, but he reaches back, curls a hand under your knee, and hauls half of your body forward. Tilting nearly off-balance, you grab his waist, swiftly bracketing your other leg to his.

“Be good, Johnny.” He barks as the ATV roars to life between your legs.

Your hands slide around him as he backs up, burying into his shirt to feel a slab of muscle. A short, surprised cry bursts out when he abruptly accelerates, cutting off a car in the road as he peels out. You clutch tighter as the ATV jerks around the bend and forward, pulse revving alongside the machine as Simon throws it against the incline.

The ride itself is, thankfully, brief. The cats scatter as Simon veers sharply and sends a spray of gravel flying as he lurches to a stop. You clamber off, legs unsteady, and thank him as evenly as possible.

Simon does not immediately take the helmet from your outstretched hand. He stares with his mitts wrapped tight around the handlebars. Hard to believe hands the size of spades are dexterous enough for a trade like taxidermy. When he finally takes it, you flee with a shaky gait.

“Be good, rabbit.”

Laughter follows you to the door.

~~

Night presses in on the cabin. You tuck into the armchair with your book, grimacing at the business card. Such a stupid, stupid mistake, letting John find it. How close you’d been to spilling. Disappointing John worried you, but crossing Phil terrified you. His cryptic manner of speaking, all his dancing around what he meant. It didn’t inspire trust, nor did his badge. At least he’d gone silent. Not a word since his visit.

The agent lurks in your subconscious. You have some notion of how investigations work. If he’s run your name and if he’s discovered anything, wouldn’t he have dragged you back by now? Could he do that? Would he?

Eventually, you concede. Your mind keeps drifting and catching on everything else you’ve tried to avoid thinking about. You toss the book onto the coffee table with a huff and rise to prepare for–

The library’s label, clean and laminated, sticks out on the spine. The letters 'P', trailed by a line of digits.

Realization as cold as lakewater washes over you. 

>> F741 >> hold

It’s a call number. A book. 

~~

You reach for the phone as soon as the hour turns reasonable. Dialing Nikolai with one hand, you rub your eyes with the other, feeling hollowed out. You didn’t close your eyes all night.

To your relief, he answers. A jarring clang accompanies his greeting, underlaid by a rhythmic crank and humming.

“Nikolai, sorry if I’m interrupting, but I was wondering if there are any updates?”

“Ah, rabbit, darling, a moment.” It’s clear he’s set the phone down by the sound of footsteps and a distant grunt. His humming evolves into whistling, culminating in a faint rumble in Russian. What follows, erupting through the receiver, is a cacophony of mechanical sounds, jagged and violent. Something thrums with a relentless chorus of metal grinding against metal, punctuated by deep, resonant clunks and crunches that make you pull the phone from your ear and hold it at arms-length. 

It’s a minute before Nikolai returns, and the terrible noise grows quieter. He cuts you off before you get a word in, providing a non-answer about your car and a reminder about the cost of towing it to the nearest city. It is sorely beyond your budget.

“So impatient. Where are you trying to scurry off to? Do you need transport?”

“No, it’s nothing urgent,” Your jaw aches from clenching it. “I simply don’t want to bother John.”

“Why not? He’s your man.” He almost sounds annoyed. “Listen, rabbit, I’ll do you a favor and tell John you need a ride.”

You freeze. “Oh, no, you don’t need to do that–”

The line goes dead with an unceremonious click.

~~

“Why didn’t you come to me first?”

The truck bounces along the road, the warm air through the window merging pine and with John’s tobacco. You rest against the frame, watching the forest.

“I was going to.” A white lie or two can’t hurt. “I’m just anxious about my car. It’s been weeks, and Nikolai keeps dodging my questions. I’m close to threatening to tow it if he can’t fix it by the end of the month.”

John snorts. “Good luck. He does not like ultimatums, speaking from experience.”

You glance at John out of the corner of your eye. Lying to him stings, especially after he poured his heart out, but you know he’ll think you foolish about the mystery text.

“Did you…know there’s a closed mine shaft behind Nikolai’s shop? When we were there, I followed one of his shop cats and saw it.”

John’s lip quirks around his cigar. “You follow every cat you meet?”

“They haven’t led me astray yet.”

“S’pose so. And I do know about the mine shaft. The area’s full of them. Folk used to say Mount Grouse is hollow from the silver rush.”

The smile slips from your face. Silver. The West’s full of it—silver and promises. Dusty whispers in your ear from hundreds of miles away, from years ago. You pinch the bridge of your nose and breathe.

“You alright?”

“Think I’m getting a headache.”

Guilt flares when John tosses his cigar, turns the radio off, and slides a comforting hand over your thigh. Why his affection is offered to you, of all people, a liar, you don’t know. Certainly don’t deserve it.

For the remainder of the drive to the library, John keeps his hand on you and his mouth shut. Only letting go to park the truck.

“I’ll let you get your books. Gonna return a missed call.” John leans against the tailgate and nods at the entrance, dismissing you with a playful pat to your ass.

Your face burns all the way to the doors.

“Back so soon?” The librarian asks with a big smile. “Already finished with your selection?”

“I’m finished with two, yes, but I was actually wondering if…”

“If I have the book on hold courtesy of Mr. Graves? I was wondering when you’d come in for it.”

>> F741 >> hold

Phil. Your stomach falls like a torn, wet paper bag. “Yes.”

You absolutely cannot tell John about the text—or this—now.

“Come with me.” She crooks a finger over her shoulder as she meanders toward the circulation desk. “He picked a good one. Locally authored. However, although we classify it as nonfiction and shelve it with our regional materials, it’s an anthology of transcribed oral histories and diaries from mining camps, so take it with a grain of salt.”

Your vision swims as you process. “Really? That’s good to know.”

Jeanne retrieves the hold and it is thinner than you expected, wrapped in a worn, brown cloth cover. Veins of Blood and Metal: Mining the Silver Valley. Grim yet hokey, just like the man who picked it.

“Would you like a reading room?”

Your eyes snap up. “Can’t I check it out?”

“Oh, no. We don’t check materials from the local collection out.”

“Could you make an exception? I’m in Grouse Bay and I don’t have a car of my own, and I hate to be a burden on my…” Several terms collide and tangle like a rat king. “To my boyfriend. I promise I’ll take care of it. I don’t dog ear or annotate. I won’t even keep a glass of water near—”

Jeanne’s face softens. She pats your hand, bracelets jingling. “Sweetie, it’s alright. I’ll bend the policy. You seem like a good kid.”

If only you knew.

“Oh, thank you.”

“Just promise to take good care of it. It’s already a little damaged.”

“Yes, ma’am. And, uh, do you happen to know why Mr. Graves left this for me? Did he say anything?”

She puckers her lips in thought. “I believe he said that you would find it ‘enlightening’.”

Your fingers itch. You’re tempted to call, tired of his enigmatic nonsense, just to demand why he bothered masking his number if only to leave his name. If this is his way of operating, it eases your worry over his capabilities as a fed.

“Right. Thanks, Jeanne.” 

You stow the book from Phil in your bag and meet John outside as he hangs up. 

“Ready to go, darl?” He asks with a strained smile.

“Yes. Everything alright?”

“Right as rain. Need to make a couple of stops while we’re in town.”

Thankfully, he doesn’t ask about the library, but he’s unusually reticent again. After you stop at the depot and an outdoor supply shop, it’s back to Grouse. He grips the wheel tight and gazes at the road with a flat, distant focus. It’s impossible that he knows, but doubt sticks between your ribs.

Dust seeps in.

You remember how it felt with Dusty, that weight in the air, thick with the silence he would settle into for days. You’d wait, always, for some change in his facial expressions and the tension in his body, but somehow, it never felt like you were meant to know. It afflicted you with the need to both placate and pry.

You lick your lips and look at him through the rearview. “Are you sure everything is okay?”

“Nothing for you to worry about. Just a minor problem.”

The question rises in your throat, uninvited, like it’s pushing its way out despite the warning signs flashing. Curiosity runs headlong into self-preservation and makes it impossible not to ask. It’s not as if it’s outside the realm of possibility.

Your hand finds his knee in a bid to soften it.

“Is it at all related to those boys? To��Phil?” 

His attention flickers to meet yours in the mirror, a slight furrow to his brow. You wonder if he’s thinking the same thing you are—whether asking was a mistake. A millisecond later, he huffs and grins, shaking his head.

“Still worried about him? Oh, sweetheart. Didn’t I tell you? Must’ve forgotten, what with all the running around I’ve had to do.”

“Tell me what?”

“I had my own tête-à-tête with Mr. Graves. Answered his questions and sent him on his way. Said he’s going to Kellogg to continue his little investigation.”

“Oh, that’s a relief,” You swiftly assure, despite that revelation piling atop all your questions. “I was worried. He seemed dogged.”

A hand drops from the wheel to cover yours. “Not our problem anymore.”

Despite the strange book in the bag between your feet, despite Phil Graves’s odd behavior—you settle into a calm, a boat gliding into port to avoid a storm. John’s happy. You’re happy. The book can wait, especially after he sweet talks you into staying the night at his place for the first time. 

On the drive, you talk about nothing, mostly. The trees, the towns, how the road is barely wide enough for two cars. John teases you for holding onto the handle at every bend, and you laugh in your defense. There’s a gentle warmth, easy and growing familiar. It’s more organic, more natural, than what you had before.

You’re still giggling when he pulls around back. You hop out of the truck and pause, spotting a large patch of blackened, dead grass. The gears turn in your head until they click into place. 

“Where’s the hutch? The rabbits?”

You nearly walk into him with his abrupt stop. John’s face twists, and he sighs and rakes a hand down his face, then coaxes you into his arms. “This week put me through the wringer. Yet another thing I neglected to mention…It’s terrible, sweetheart. A rabbit got sick. It was infectious. Had to do the humane thing. Then I burned the carcasses and the hutch to avoid it spreadin’ to anything else.”

John’s grip shifts to your waist to lead you inside, but your gaze returns to the charred earth, and you stumble at sulfur wafting past your nose, brief and sudden but unmistakable. It plucks at your memory like a harp playing a discordant note.

His lips find your temple, his voice in your ear. “I’ll have fresh does, soon.” 

[blitzsicedcoffee]

Ficlet: I'll Save You

(Admittedly, I shouldn't be writing this, because my wrists hurt like a bitch, but I'm a bitch to myself and I have THINGS IN MY HEAD that need to get out of said head, so here. Have my head hehe).

Here you go @blitzwhore :)

Setting the Scene:

Stolas works for IMP, he has been asking over and over to go on a mission with the gang and Blitz kept saying no because he was worried it's "Too dangerous". Stolas followed up with "I am literally an eldritch god" to which Blitz said, "Fucking fine but do what I say".

Blitz falls through the portal, face first while Millie giggles and Moxxie shakes his head, both stepping through behind him. Stolas comes through last, gasping, "Blitz! Are you alright?" he reaches his hand down and Blitz waves it off,

"Yeah yeah yeah I'm fucking fine", he says, wiping snow off his jacket. Moxxie chuckles, "He does that like every day".

"Really?!" Stolas asks again and Millie nods. Blitz rolls his eyes,

"ANYWAY, let's go over the job gang. So we're here in...fuckin...what is this, Russia?" he looks to Moxxie and he opens the maps on his phone.

"Yes, we seem to be somewhere in the tundra of Russia, sir". Moxxie affirms and Blitz nods, "Good I guess. Millie why are we here again?"

Millie pulls out the briefing that Moxxie typed earlier, "It seems like we are looking for some guy in a cabin? Real remote person".

"What'd he do?" Blitz asks, Moxxie has been taking clients directly recently while Blitz and Stolas take longer getting to work. For...reasons.

Moxxie replies, "Well, it seems he shot up a preschool in a nearby village, sir. The teacher wants revenge".

"Holy fuck, okay", Blitz says, polishing his gun.

Stolas puts his hand to his mouth, "My word! He definitely deserves this then, we must be quick!" they all stare at him then back at Blitz.

"Yeah-it's fine Stols, we'll just go at our regular pace. Just wish it wasn't so fucking cold here, Satan's taint!" he shivers, holding his arms in his big coat with the hand sewn IMP patch that Stolas resewed after the last one got mildly burnt during the last mission in Antarctica, as someone decided to light a fire near the portal.

Stolas can't help but admire how cute Blitz looks in his little coat. He's only in a small wool sweater himself, his feathers giving him plenty of warmth already. As they walk toward the location of the cabin, the M's hold hands and Stolas grazes his near Blitz's hand and he blushes, putting it behind his head.

"UUUhhhh, m-maybe not while we're on mission", Blitz says shyly, his words having trouble finding their footing. He's realized that since they started dating, literally every brush, every touch, even potential is a fucking recipe for disaster in his head and body. He fucking melts like an ice cream cone in Wrath.

"Oh, right", Stolas replies, pulling his hand away and looking down, frowning. But Blitz can't take his sad owl eyes and reluctantly holds his hand, red hot spreading across his cheeks. Stolas doesn't say anything to the sudden change of heart, just smiles and winks at Millie when she looks back at them.

Blitz pulling his hand away from Stolas, he pushes him down by placing a hand at the small of his back as they all duck behind some bushes.

"Okay what's the plan?" Moxxie asks, looking to Blitz who shakes his head, "Huh?" he replies, clearly distracted and Millie and Stolas giggle.

"Sir! The plan! For killing this guy!" Moxxie says again, annoyed now as Millie runs her hand up the back of his hair under his hat and he calms a little.

Blitz scooches away from Stolas and takes a deep breath, "Right. So Moxx, you flank the back with Mills. I got the front with Stols". They nod and separate, but the target is good at realizing his surroundings.

He steps out of the cabin, holding his shotgun.

"I FUCKING HEARD SHIT OUT HERE!" he says in Russian and Blitz shrugs, "Alright I just need to line up the shot", he lines up the rifle through the bush and Stolas puts a hand on his shoulder.

"You don't think we should wait until he's back inside?" Stolas asks and Blitz scoffs, "Nah, this'll do fine". He looks back in his scope but the target is gone.

"Fuuuuck", he whispers under his breath. Stolas looks around, "I dont see him..."

"See M&M anywhere?" he asks, still whispering and Stolas shakes his head, "Fuck" he replies in a whisper again.

Suddenly the target tries to tackle Blitz, kicking Stolas to the side against a tree. Putting his hands around Blitz's throat.

"Blitz!!" he turns eldritch, swiping a black claw straight through the targets body, slicing him in half right over Blitz, their blood dripping down Blitz's face as Stolas's eldritch form looms over him.

"Holy fuck...." he whispers, barely audible. The blood in his body flooding his face and...other parts.

Stolas quickly pushes the split body of the target aside and changes back to his regular form, blood splattered all over his face.

"Blitz are okay?! I'm so sorry if I scared you I-" he starts but Blitz pulls him down by the back head feathers into a deep, tongue twisting kiss.

"That was the hottest fucking thing I've ever seen", he says, both breathing heavily as they continue making out in the blood stained snow.

"Sir! Are you-WHAT THE FUCK?!" he says, gesturing to them and Millie chuckles, "Oh Moxx don't be mad, this is literally us every time we do a mission".

Moxx sighs, "You're right", then he sees the body of the target, "Satan-daaaaammnnnn. Was that you Stolas?!" he asks and Stolas nods, Blitz sitting up and pulling Stolas close, "You're damn right it was him!! My sweet murder bird", he coos and gives pecking kisses all over Stolas's face, him hooting in response.

Moxxie takes a picture of the body and holds Millie's hand, "Okay how are they more gross than we are".

"It's cute!" Millie says, smiling. Blitz blushes, standing up and Pulling Stolas up with him and easily pressing the crystal portal open.

"Come on gang! I'm fucking horny, and if I don't get to fuck this bird in the next ten minutes I'm gonna explode", he scoops Stolas up in his arms to his surprise,

"OOoh hoo hoo!" He hoots in response, kissing Blitz on the horns as he's carried through the portal.

[odbuoyjemmity]

Nevermoor Dashboard

Wundrous-Society-Official

Golder's Night is next week! Don't forget to take part with a chance of winning a favour from the Wundrous Society! A night of fun for everyone.

gigi-stan

does anyone know if holliday wu is looking for a seventh girlfriend

blue-suit-4ever

its chanda kali with the six boyfriends. how do you know she's even gay?

gigi-stan

barty, she has an undercut and like. six piercings. if she's not into women i will cry for a week

blue-suit-4ever

isn't that stereotyping?

gigi-stan

bitch

blue-suit-4ever

blocked

gigi-stan

wait unblock me. i have to tell you something

blue-suit-4ever

what?

gigi-stan

bitch

i-miss-jemmity-park

okay but why is lsj so obsessed with a thirteen year old. isnt that kinda sus

eldritch

she is a wundersmith. it's a serious risk and we're all in danger

i-miss-jemmity-park

she literally has food on her face in that one photo. also dont you make edits of The Wundersmith with flower crowns

eldritch

they're ironic

i-miss-jemmity-park

you called him daddy

i-miss-jemmity-park

guys they blocked me

gigi-stan

i can't believe gigi is making another album and going on tour with st nicholas. so hyped

blue-suit-4ever

typical sellout. wonder how much she's getting off of underpaid elvish labour

gigi-stan

actually! the elves have a union now source

blue-suit-4ever

they're going to go on strike. they're not in a union yet. don't you see how this is going to distract everyone from their strike anyway?

offical-concerned-citizens-of-nevermoor

The Wundrous Society controls our governments and aren't accountable to anyone. Their cover-ups of hollowpox attacks only prevents the victims seeking justice from their assailants!

burns-with-the-fire-etc

K

murder-of-crows

U

no-retreat

N

polylingual

T

murder-of-crows

mahir. no

burns-with-the-fire-etc

mahir keep going

foxlore

it's actually really disheartening to see the rise in anti-wunimal sentiment since the beginning of the hollowpox. my aunt was spat on in the supermarket two days ago and no one said anything about it

king-louis

actually i don't care if crow and squall take over nevermoor. steed is so bad at his job i kinda want to see him get deposed

no-retreat

squall killed a bunch of people just fyi. crow probably wouldn't. i think

murder-of-crows

thanks, thaddea

foxlore

oh my god i hate the brolly rail so much

goosey-goosey-gander

what happened

foxlore

mmh. fuckin leg

murder-of-crows

in courage square doing 'it'. and by 'it' i mean. arson

[gmajortom]

TAD D&D classes?

Oh buddy. You have no idea what you've just done

Warning: long post ahead

I'll start with Maomao because she is, in my opinion, the most difficult. For all that she'd love necromancy, I can't see her as a necromancy wizard- too much reading of things unrelated to her special interests, for one thing, and for another being a wizard in DnD is fuckin expensive. I don't think she'd be a spores druid either, because druids are generally pretty wise and spiritual which are two things Maomao definitely is not. Which leaves an Alchemist Artificer. That's an intelligence based class that's all about creating contraptions, poisons, and potions- in fact, at a certain level they gain immunity to the poisoned condition and resistance to poison and, I think, acid damage?? Idk I don't have the Player's Handbook in front of me. Anyways. High level Alchemist Artificers also gain access to the Raise Dead spell- which means that eventually, with enough experience and experimentation, Maomao would finally get a taste of some sweet sweet necromancy, despite all of Luomen's protestations.

Jinshi is a Glamour Bard- they're all about beauty and charisma and charming the hell out of people and acquiring secrets as they do so. But wait- there's more. Jinshi is way too fit and inclined towards masochism to simply be a bard; he's also a paladin. A palabard, if you will. Personally I see him as an Oath of Devotion Paladin, but I can also see him as an oath of the ancients, what with all that celestial nymph-like beauty. In any case, charisma is his main stat and he can be persuasive like nobody else when he wants to be, but he's also pretty intelligent and strong and, like any good paladin, prone to self-induced suffering.

Gaoshun I see as being an Oath of the Crown Paladin. They're particularly loyal, law-abiding, duty-bound, long-suffering, and as I've mentioned, all paladins are prone to a lil bit of self-flaggelation. Trust me, I've been playing a paladin for the past two years. In any case, Gaoshun, as Jinshi and the Emperor's attendant, has gotta be a) politically savvy and b) prime bodyguard material. A crown pally is both of those things.

Basen is a straight up Zealot Barbarian. Barbarians are known for their constitution and their strength, and Basen has plenty of both; when barbarian go into a rage they gain resistance to damage done by pretty much any kind of weapon, as well as resistance to falling damage. Zealots are sworn to a cause- in this case, protecting the moon prince (and later lady lishu). Zealots also get a feature at later levels called rage beyond death, which essentially allows them to stay up while raging even if they're at 0 hp and would otherwise be unconscious and making death saves.

My darling Shisui, my beloved bug lady Loulan, would be an Archfey Pact Warlock. I just feel it in my heart. Warlocks are high intelligence and high charisma- and the way she played everybody and helped orchestrate the downfall of the Shi clan screams having the balls and foresight necessary to create a pact with something as tricky and eldritch as an archfey. Also, what is a pixie if not a bug with humanoid features?

Suirei, methinks, would be a Grave Cleric. Clerics are typically healers, but grave clerics are especially good with spells related to death and undeath. One of the spells clerics get is Feign Death, which can put a willing creature into "a cataleptic state indistinguishable from death". Sounds pretty familiar. Moving on.

Lahan, unlike Maomao, does have the resources and patience for books to be a wizard- specifically, a Divination Wizard. Predictions of the future are based on statistics, and what are statistics if not some beautiful numbers?

Rikuson, my beloved, would be a Mastermind Rogue. Am I projecting one of my favorite classes on to him? Yes. Do I think it also fits him objectively? Also yes. Masterminds are really good at strategy, being cool under pressure, and they have excellent memories for voices and languages. Their best feature by far, however, is their ability to help someone as a bonus action, making them both lethal in combat AND a consistent support in battle.

Lihaku is a Champion Fighter. I feel like I don't need to elaborate on this.

Lakan, much like Lahan, would be a wizard- but a Conjuration Wizard. In DnD, not only is conjuration about literally summoning groups of creatures to fight for you, it's also about literally manipulating the field of battle. Also teleportation. Basically- you gotta be good at strategy to be a conjurer. Also full spellcasters are weak ass bitches who will go down from a single hit.

Finally, Luomen is another character I see as being multiclassed- specifically, a Life Cleric/Transmutation Wizard. Like I said earlier, clerics are typically healers- and a life cleric is like, THE healer. I threw in a transmuter multiclass because we KNOW he's studied, and transmuters in particular study alchemy. Clerics are supposed to be fairly charismatic and wizards are known for being extremely intelligent, and both clerics and wizards are supposed to have a good amount of wisdom- personally, I think that describes Luomen in a nutshell.

Anyways, if anybody else has thoughts or differing opinions or suggestions of what other characters who I didn't mention might be, I would love, love, LOVE to hear about them! Or if you just wanna talk about DnD or ask some clarifying questions, please feel free to hit me up :)

[polyhexian]

Obsessed with Cyn. Obsessed. I'm constantly thinking about her. She wakes up in a pile of corpses after being thrown away like garbage and an eldritch force from the darkness says it will save her if she Lets It In and she does. She lets it in. And that might be the thing that got her moving again- but it's a lonely, abused teenage girl that finds her in trash and digs her out and fixes her and brings her home. It's a sad little human girl who's parents hurt her and lock her up that rescues her. But it doesn't matter. Its too late. It was always too late. There was too much hate inside her. She gets the power to do anything she wants, and what she wants is to HURT people. She wants people to SUFFER. Not just humans. Everything. People who were cruel to her, people who were kind to her. Everyone needs to suffer and everyone needs to know that it's her that made them suffer. She wants to climb to the top of the corpse pile and look down at everyone else who didn't make it out and she wants them to BURN.

And then she skins a teenager to wear her like a fun little costume and starts eating some fuckin planets. And that's sick

[xalygatorx]

Also, if I were to do any request/ask it would probably be what you think a multi-POV of Adam’s first experience with Cursed Cat Alastor look like. Does he tumble upon him? Does Alastor plant the kitty in Adam’s room? Is Adelie in on the prank, or is she a concerned cat mom? Does Adam try to unalive him? What do the patrons/employees of the hotel see?

A/N: I got a little stressed trying to come up with ALL the POVs but hopefully this aligns somewhat with what you were hoping for or at least gives you a laugh, anon. 🥲🫶

Note that this takes place in the CCA AU in which Alastor and Adelie are in an established relationship and the DiP timeline isn’t going to fully match up bc AU.

Also on AO3

Given the state of Adam’s room—empty pizza boxes and beer cans, surely—we can assume that Cat Alastor meets the First Man by infiltrating via the ventilation or full-on eating through his door (classic move for this kitty).

Adam, either halfway through a six-pack or dejected about his (deserved) drop down to Hell or maybe even both, would look up from his phone or a shooter game he managed to procure for the small TV in his room to see a pair of bulging red eyes and a yellow grin, disembodied until the cat-like creature trots into the blue light spreading from the screen.

“Um… What the fuck are you?”

Cat Alastor’s eyes blinked independently, its grin twitching in a way not dissimilar to its “dad’s” own disgruntled, feral smile. A staticky booing track rumbled from the little beast, clearly emanating from his furry body but seemingly disembodied at the same time.

Adam felt a small bead of sweat form at the base of one horn. “Fuckin’ creepy-ass… What, you want food or something?!” he half-shouted, subconsciously shrinking from the manic red puffball standing nearby.

No, Cat Alastor doesn’t want food. At least not the kind Adam’s willing to give him.

Adam’s done the second Cat Alastor’s jaw unhinges and a spread of writhing black shadow tendrils burst out of his mouth to flail in the air. The First Dick shrieks and bolts for the door, vaulting off the arm of the tattered couch he’s spent most of his stay slumped across.

The speed of his exit nearly takes Adelie right off her feet as she’s passing by the door to his suite, his shoulder catching her squarely in the back when they both try to dodge the other.

“What the—?!”

“Jesus, Tits, I’m sorry, just fuckin’ get that thing out of my room!”

“What thing?!”

Adam realizes belatedly that he’s dug himself deeper not just with Cat Alastor and Adelie, but with Alastor, too.

Adam’s still holding Adelie tightly by her upper arms, mid-shake to emphasize his distress, when the Radio Demon rounds the corner.

Without context, he finds Cat Alastor in a complete, near-screeching frenzy at what it perceives as a threat to its mother and Adam holding Adelie in place with a tight (stressed) grip.

A slow-building drone of spiking static turns all heads except Cat Alastor’s toward the end of the hall, where Alastor’s body’s growing and shifting with sharp, staccato cracks.

“You have precisely T̶̛͎͂͝Ḧ̶̝̓̉R̸̩̠̠̆Ě̶̬͓̚É̸̱̲͋͋ ̵͍̗̓͆ͅŞ̷̬̃͑E̶̛̤C̷͚͔̯̓Ơ̵̠̋N̵̛̹̾D̸͈̘̺̄͗S̸͖̀͋ to get your sloppy, disgusting hands Ǫ̸̟̣̠̞̓̐̀F̵̨̣͍̥̦͇͗͆̄̑̚F̵̡̢̭̪̖̤̖͚̬͉̞̬͔̣̃̈́̆̿̐͌͋ ̶̟̜̥̮̟̘̘̲͉̺̈́͆̂̒́̉̓̃͒͑͝M̶̯̈́͌̈́̌͂̀̽̊̇̒͋̈́̽̐̎̚Y̶̡̨̠̙͖͓̬̺̼̯̖̥̩̞͎͔̋͆̈́͆͊ͅ ̶̡͙̟͖̝̩̬̏̋̇͋͜ͅͅW̵̨̢͔̙͚̙̤͇͉͂̎͊̉̆͆͂͂̇̓͝͝͝I̵̢̨̡̮͇̣̺͕̯̜͎̙̲̭̬͑̈́̿͋̎̔͗̊̓̉̇́͗̽͠͠͠F̵̢̞͍̙̼͙̺̐̐̐̀͑̍͝É̷̹͉̞͔̲̜̝̳̗̦̣̟̄̍̾̋̊̎̉̆̓̂ͅ.”

Adelie’s grimace at Adam collapsed into something uneasy as she realized the predicament her least favorite guest was now in.

She encapsulated her feelings on the matter with a well-articulated, “Oh, fuck.”

Adam panicks and, instead of doing the smart thing and surrendering Adelie back to her two red demons in the hall, shifts to cower behind her as Alastor—eyes fully black and ticking with red radio dials as his smile threatens to split his face—advances on gangly, eldritch limbs.

He forgets all about the smaller of the two threats.

Cat Alastor sinks his teeth into Adam’s calf and holds on for dear life as Adam screams and violently shakes his leg to try and throw the cat off him.

“DON’T YOU DARE HURT HIM,” Adelie warned Adam through a snarl as she wrenched her arms out of his grasp, using the new distraction to try and play damage control.

“HE’S HURTING ME, BITCH,” Adam shouted back, shrinking slightly when a high, keening elk-like screech filled the hall at Alastor’s displeasure at hearing the First Man disrespecting his mate. “Fuckfuckfuckfuckshitfuck—”

Adelie looks pixie-sized by the time Alastor’s transformed and close enough to compare, crawling through the hall and occasionally scoring the ceiling with the tines of his expanded rack of antlers.

She stumbles a little when the floor shakes from his weight, but reaches out to touch his arm before he can dismember Charlie’s best chance at convincing Heaven to give the hotel a shot.

Even Alastor’s surprised that he notices her tiny hand tap him in his current state, but he does, and he slows just to glance at her. A quick glance over her reassures him that she’s at least physically unharmed.

At her pleading look and quiet reminder of what getting rid of Adam could cost them, Alastor gives a rumbling sigh and sinks lower on his arms to scoop her in against his huge chest. He lives vicariously through their ward as he watches Cat Alastor continue to hold onto Adam’s leg in a fanged vise-grip.

“Get off me!” Adam gritted, finally succeeding in flinging Cat Alastor off him and only because the feline allowed it. “Holy fucking shit, he took half my leg off!”

“Hardly,” Alastor drawled with some measure of disappointment, only mollified when he felt Adelie’s hands gently, reassuringly stroking over one of his enlarged, spindly thumbs.

“HARDLY?!” Adam repeated, aghast. He whirled as Cat Alastor swallowed his pound of flesh and licked his mouth clean before scampering away down the hall, gawking at the beast’s departure. “What even is that thing?!”

“That would be our son,” Alastor growled, his statement making Adelie laugh a little. Thinking back on how adverse he’d been—how adverse everyone had been—the day the little guy had shown up on their doorstep, it was comical how intrinsically tied he was to the crew now.

Adam grappled with Alastor’s answer for a minute before he finally landed on the decidedly crass response, “...You two fuck?”

The couple narrowed their eyes at the First Man perfectly in sync right as the pitter-patter of paws returned to the fray…along with some positively maniacal cackling.

Cat Alastor’s sensitive ears had heard his favorite cyclopean maid in the next hall over and had gone to get his battle ally, who he’d gleaned disliked the First Man as much as he did.

(She’d also regaled the way she’d originally murdered the First Man to him a time or two between bug battles.)

Niffty sat astride Cat Alastor as he raced back down the hall, bolting straight for Adam while Niffty laughed shrilly and held her needle out like a lance.

Adam’s first instinct was to bolt the other direction, but he skidded to a stop the second he remembered he was blocked in and took in Alastor’s enormous, malevolently grinning face that dared him to come any closer.

Adam instead had to clumsily parkour around the charging maid and feline duo and run at such a breakneck pace that he nearly wiped out just to keep his Achilles tendons safe from the point of Niffty’s needle.

Bemused, Adelie murmured to her partner, “They’ll be okay, right? I know Niff’s fine, but—”

“Did you see how well your little pet cleaved flesh from bone, my dear?” Alastor asked, slowly returning to his normal size and shaking off the vague discomfort that came with such a violent, fast transformation. “I’d be more worried about Adam.”

“Hypothetically?” Adelie figured, glancing up at him with an impish smile she fruitlessly tried to bite down.

Alastor chuckled and bent to kiss her cheek. “Hypothetically.”

Thank you for the request! x

[oogaboogaspookyman]

Dayum i had a Murder Drones dream bruh

I'll tell ya the clips i remember from it, if any

Soooo there's a point where N is inside a school and he's looking around for sumthin' idfk and he stumbles upon a little girl drone with white eyes and i think jet black hair?? And she's obviously a fun lover that doesn't wanna be here but she recognizes it's a necessity so she rolls with it and does her stuff as told– okay so apparently she's gotta finish some homework about animals, what they are and what they do, the sort, and she's like- talking a lot about her home and how her family has to pay for wifi or sumthin' etc etc and N just goes "oh is that homework? Do you have to describe animals? I can help!"

And then the girl drone (who i'm calling Leni) just goes "yeah it's homework, boring but i gotta do it- it's something about animals, what they do and all- i sortaaaaa didn't finish it because i was bored out of my mind..." And N just spots a Sonic figurine on a shelf somewhere and goes "hey, what if you talked about that guy over there?" He means the Sonic figurine on the shelf, "what does a hedgehog do? Does it like anything? You could describe a hedgehog, it's an animal!" And Leni is just. "Heh, thanks dude!" And my lordy the smile N gives it kills me oughhhh yes baby boy you did a help a girl with homework!!! Uzi is lucky to have you ough

Another clip! There's the typical big dumb creepy guy that puts kids in detention trope! Yeah he just scruffs one like a cat and tosses them onto a hook, hanged like cloth (NOT HURT THOUGH! ALIVE AND HEALTHY!) And they're just "hey dude what did i do?! Get me off this thing!!" And the big creepy guy just. Giggles at 'em as he walks away. Idfk what else happened after that- but it has to do with N???? Did he fuck up????? He's a good boy who did no wrong wtf he stopped killing a long time ago!!! The Uzi simp allegations are exaggerrated!!!!!! Leave him alone bitch!!!!!!!!

So apparently the detention drone is just like. Roaming around the school, and N is just staying out of it's sight at all times– keeping Leni safe from it too because they're buddies now and he's a good boy– and at some point taps his foot on the floor lightly to make a sound to test if it can hear and... It does not. It's big stupid AND probably deaf. Or they're just lucky idk lol

Also Cyn is there too. There's a moment after the whole detention drone shebang where Cyn pops up behind some doors and is accompanied by like- another girl drone with ponytails and black hair that is also Solver infected, and she's already gotten the eldritch claws for hands too so she's probably been infected before even like- Camp Fever, to give you an idea of the time frame, and Cyn is just. "You said "shit" now you're getting punished" and apparently getting taken out of the school is a punishment??? They're just. Grabbed and Cyn fuckin' flies away with them both, leaving them with the rest of the gæng in a like- place with two random drop pods like the ones from episode 1 and 3, and fun fact! V and Uzi are there! They're alive and well! And yes N hugs Uzi first thing, ig Leni gets to meet the rest of the bunch now lol.

Oh yeah there's also Tessa i guess lmfao idk what she's lookin' for now

[evangelifloss]

For the ship bingo, Lambdabern!! <33

Lambdabern, or as I like to call them Berndadelta, is THE SHIP. It is so good. What is better than eldritch-like Witch Lesbians who travel between worlds causing genuine tragedies for the funnies? Not to mention they usually do these things to try and fuck eachother over. If Bern is trying to do something abhorrent for the fun of it, Lambda will certainly arrive out of absolutely nowhere, and join the opposite "team" just so that she can make Bern's life harder. And don't get it wrong, Bern does exactly the same shit too. Basically if one of them is having fun in a universe, it is guaranteed the other is not far behind. Maybe the fact that both of them are equally terrifying to fucken everyone (aside from Featherine) is because you're going to be dealing with two insanely powerful Witches instead of one.

PEAK ROMANCE RIGHT THERE. I love them. They are so dramatic for eachother, and the concept of I don't know, being fuckin' normal about their love is virtually impossible.

Clarification on the choices in chart

I ship them as divorced: These two are the definition of contradiction. They're separated, willingly, by the Endless Sea of Fragments but they always find one another yet every time they do, they are so incredibly petty towards eachother. It's indistinguishable from a bitter divorced couple forced into a social setting together and they are so intent on viciously attempting to make the other humiliated in some way. They come up with increasingly complicated schemes for the sheer sake of trying to make the other lose. At the same time, they remember EVERYTHING about eachother, every goddamn intimate detail. They seek one another out across an infinite time-scape to have fun. They promise to meet up again once the fun is over. They have a mutual desire to inflict torture upon the other. They cuddle in a posh bed and share candies. They love eachother so much that either one of them suffering is a reason to celebrate. I could go on.

They're going to be the death of me: Literally. Meeting either of them will just end with me dying horribly or suffering a fate worse than death. In another sense, reading their insane mind games to force one of them to lose is so entertaining that any time they're pulling out every stop and twist, and backstabbing, makes me so entertained that it's a Bit Much for my brain. I get a serious case of brainrot WHENEVER I remember or come across scenes of their simultaneous and dramatic treachery towards eachother. Plus the fan-art and content is too good sometimes.

They should stay as far away from eachother: Every single time they cross paths, shit goes down and everyone involved becomes severely Traumatized. Or any underlying/current trauma of the victims gets irrevocably intensified. Plus, the longer they are apart, the more extreme they become. It's almost as if they miss eachother and want to make up for lost time by finding new, torturous and downright machiavellian ways to cause pain. This is amazing LOL

People that ship them need therapy: Anyone who is invested in umineko and berndadelta needs to find help.

It's more funny than romantic: Oh it is definitely romantic, but holy shit their dynamic is hilarious and for Witches like Lambda and Bern, conventional romance isn't their thing. You could say that they are romantic, but in an incredibly fucked up way that humans cannot replicate nor grasp. You can understand it theoretically but that's pretty much it. I don't even think a serial killer who has an obsession towards their designated Special Person could keep up at all.

Relationship Goals: I may be unhinged but even I think whatever the hell is going on between Lambda and Bern is a bit fuckin much. It's more about the dedication, their sincerity and exclusivity. I cannot imagine either of them having anyone else be sufficient for their needs. Cheating is only on the table when it comes to playing games in other people's tragedies. I can say with certainty that Lambda wouldn't ever kiss another person in an expression of love. And I can say that there is no miracle which exists where Bernkastel would lower her guard towards anyone other than Lambda (outside of their games of course, her guard is up lest the lamb win and disgrace the glory of The Witch of Miracles, Lady Bernkastel. Lambda would never let her live it down.)

The Aesthetic is everything to me: Granted I'm not a fan of Blue and Red/other bright "opposite" color coded pairings, BUT that is because it's become an oversaturated trope in most media these days. When it comes to Lambda and Bern however, it fuckin slaps AND Umineko was written a fair while back where it wasn't AS common, so I guess you could say I'm a little biased. Aside from the color, their actual designs are not only perfect complements to their natures but are really well done and unique. It's pleasing to look at. Another factor of their aesthetic is their titles, or rather, what "domain" they rule over. A Witch of Miracles, who can find just about any possibility as long as its existence isn't 0, with the Witch of Certainty who grants a desired outcome based on the determination and effort of the individual is SUCH synchronicity I have no choice but to admire it... and also get extreme autism brainrot whenever I think about it.

If you've read this far, I'm sure that you're just as clinically insane as I am and for those of you who haven't played umineko, go do that. There are Witch Lesbians. Also murder.

Side note: thank you my love Roseofcards for the ask, this was such a banger to write. I also had to write it twice, because tumblr crashed. Don't ask me how long it took to write this reply in one session... let's just say, there's no movie night tonight.

[chowtrolls]

Skater Gills my beloved for that ship meme?

• who falls asleep on the couch

I have a feeling that Synthe could fall asleep anywhere, anytime. Estela COULD if Horrid gave her edibles

• who wakes up first

I think that also depends on if Horrid gave Stel edibles or not. If she's zonked she'd fuckin OUT.

• who cooks the most

SYNTHE i dont think estela can cook. I think she tries and could burn water.

• who's in charge of the tv remote

Estela wants to be but in reality, Synthe can always find a way around her.

• who takes the longest getting ready

Have you SEEN how much hair Estela has. She also does her makeup sometimes or gets fussy over what outfit she wants that day.

• who takes up most of the bed

Synthe by proxy of being taller, and because Estela probably sleeps on them

• if/what pets they have

I think Stella's lusus counts?? He's kinda just. There. Eldritch everchanging axolotl in a fucking huge tank. Stella draws little glasses on the glass for him.

[spectralscathath]

What would each Antares character play as in a tabletop RPG like Dungeons and Dragons? What races, classes and builds? Why? What does it say about them as a character?

now this IS a fun one. I'm gonna go with standard D&D because I know it well enough, though there is actually an in-universe dungeon-crawler tabletop RPG called Grimmlings & Grottos. But anyway! Let's do some breakdowns. Let's just set it tentatively at the beginning of the story, because what the characters might play at the end would be very different. But lets just stick with early days for now. I'm also gonna stick to the people, so far, who might currently have played in Ruby's hypothetical D&D game, so thats mostly her family and friend group. Beacon Era, even. Or else this would be VERY long.

First of all: Ruby is the DM. No question. She wants to tell stories, make homebrew stuff, and gets to play all of the monsters and NPCs. done deal. If she had to be a player at all she'd probably want to be something she can do a lot of fun roleplaying in, and also probably be really rules-lawyering and try to swing it all in her favour. Which makes me think that her go to is a Stout Halfling Dhampir (its a lineage that goes on top of a base race) as an Arcane Trickster Rogue or something ("yeah DM sneak attack is once per turn"). But yeah Ruby is the DM. As for why? She likes storytelling, and she likes having a measure of control over things around her, she's not ever been a 'go-with-the-flow' person, she thinks and plans and even as leader her worries were 'what if things get out of control and I can't handle that' rather than 'i'm too young for this'. And, well, Ruby is all about fairytales and grand adventures, what suits her better than making that grand adventure?

Which is to say: when the players go off script she gets grumpy about it. She'll roll with it but she'll complain. "Yang I gave you eight seperate story threads and you picked PIRACY? that wasn't one of them do you know how many crew member NPCs I have to roll up now?"

I like to think that canonically the Xiao Long-Rose-Branwen household has played at least one session with Ruby DMing and Yang instantly picked the highest damage output possible and built an Orc Barbarian (Path of the Beast). Backstory? What's that? "Her name's Ember and she's killed twenty people, lets go kill monsters'. I think this should be quite self-explanatory to Yang's beginning characterisation. She wants to skip ahead to the cool fight scenes where she can describe how badass her character is.

Taiyang and Qrow (they're mostly here to support Ruby's interests and don't actually get what's going on but they have a great attitude and Ruby's patient with them) both individually saw 'Bard' and Taiyang saw 'well that looks fun, I can make up lil rhymes' and Qrow saw 'I can be a sex, drugs, rock-and-roll guy that's the epitome of cool' and drummed up a bard duo called where one is an aging punk rocker Tiefling based on all Qrow's fav emo bands as a twenty-year-old and Taiyang saw 'gold dragonborn' and blacked out. They both picked College of Eloquence because it looked easiest. Not much to say about why beyond 'parental support and really trying to understand their kid's interests' which is why Tai is the best parent in Antares and why Qrow- well, sometimes he hits the mark.

Weiss has no fuckin clue what any of this is aside from 'nerd stuff for plebians that I suppose I must join for team building'. Basic first options on the list, human fighter, basic stats, doesn't really get into it for a couple of sessions but once she twigs that the dice is like a numbers game it really catches her interest and she starts looking into it more. She snags Eldritch Knight as her path for access to spells and ends up having a good time. Its a microcosm of Weiss's 'defrosting ice queen' plotline. Once she gets into to she gets into it.

Blake actually read the players handbook for more than half a second and decided she wanted to be creative and have a bit of fun while also quickly making the connection that the party was very tanky, so she decided to create a Water Genasi Sorcerer with the path of Lunar Sorcery, since she thought the options it had were fun and she absolutely did extra reading to decide. Mostly this ties into Blake's early character of, though not looking like it, actually genuinely really wanting to get along with her friends while also rediscovering her interests. She also decides to play an optimist, just to try and have that bit of escapism she so desperately wants. Oh- play as a Tabaxi? No, why do you ask?

Onto JNPR, Jaune has the distinction of Acutally Having Knowledge of This, he strikes me as a 'oh I love D&D podcasts I've always wanted to play it'. His dicerolls are, obviously, fucking horrendous at all times, but he ends up playing as a dwarf paladin, I think, good ol Oath of Devotion. He just wants to do a bit of wish fulfilment as a hero, but he doesn't really push it to the point of being a pure 'must follow all the rules' type of paladin roleplay. He just wants to enjoy having friends and mostly tries to keep things chill at the table.

Pyrrha has no idea what she's doing either but she's trying really hard even though she can't wrap her head around any of it. She picked a Cleric because it seemed nice, she could be the party healer. Life domain, Ruby threw her a softball and said 'that's the healing one' and Pyrrha went 'yep'. She just wants to be a normal girl who plays games with a friend group and also be useful in a way that will keep them from ditching her. Gotta please everyone, and healing- it's nice. Useful. They'll invite her more to play.

Nora wants to be a barbarian too, specifically a Goliath with path of Wild Magic for the chaos because she wants to try derail the campaign like she heard about, but Ruby plays favourites with her sister and tells her to pick a new one so Nora goes sulking through the book again for something else, sees the words 'blood' and 'hunter' next to each other, and goes feral. Order of the Lycan is an instant follow-up. Race? Oh- yeah, still a Goliath. Nora just wants to fuck shit up and be with her friends, there's no underlying deeper character issues. Possibly height envy, maybe.

Ren, similarly to Blake, reads the handbook cover to cover, does his own research, and gets super into the idea of Roleplaying as well. However, he goes full 'how dark can I get away with' and creates a warlock, specifically with a Great Old One as patron. A haunted man, troubled by shadows and loss of the past long before being cursed with a treacherous deal that leads to the nightmares and madness of the present, desperately struggling to hold onto sanity as their patron eats a piece of their mind with every spell he casts. Yanno, standard Lovecraftian horror. Ren's really trying to be dramatic and hoping for a tragic end, where his character is twisted into the secret main villain, and Ruby thinks that would be really cool and is pushing for it if only the rest of the campaign wasn't trying to power of friendship this. Ren's just trying to lowkey work through some stuff, it's fine. It's totally fine. Oh- and he picked Pact of the Tome, he wants more cantrips.

Sun got invited along and was like 'gnome ranger lets fuckin go'. Epitome of 'holy shit I can have a pet dinosaur this game RULES' as a player. Mostly coasting on dice luck but can pull out one HELL of a bit of roleplay when he wants to. It's beautiful. He really wishes this campaign could go on forever, it's easier when the bad guys are just figurines on a table.

Penny is ready and waiting to play but she never gets the chance to join a session. Her schedule just doesn't line up, unfortunately. And she hasn't decided her class- she'll see what everyone else needs for an effective party balance first and then she'll pick one. So she doesn't get to pick a subclass. But she'd really like to give it a try if she could! She'd play a standard human character. No there's no other meaning in her wanting to be a human character when she could be something way more interesting, not at all.

Ruby offered to Sun to bring Emerald along for a session but Emerald said no. F in the chat for Emerald (one day).

[most-creature-vibe-tournament]

Semifinal 1

Propaganda:

Taylor Hebert (Worm (webserial by Wildbow))

Human girl who has superpowers that let her control bugs. She shunts all emotions off into her swarm of bugs, leaving her totally blank and stoic. She outsources sensory-input to her bugs, so she never looks or reacts to anything. In a fight, she reacts to opponents there is no possible way she could see, because she sensed them with her bugs. Overall has virtually no facial tells and moves in a way that makes her seem like she isn't a person. very creature <3 she is just a bug girl

shes such a FREAK. shes completely human (tho with an eldritch alien creature extradimensionally attached to her mind) but God does she not act like it sometimes. she has the superpower to control bugs and uses it to become the worlds most terrifying hero slash villain slash warlord slash apocalyptic threat. she has her bugs crawling all over her all the time. she uses a swarm of flies to scout out areas and then leaves flies in everybodys hair so she can keep track of where they are. she practiced having her bugs make noises until she figured out how to combine their noises into human speech so now she can talk through her swarm. she makes decoys of herself out of large pillars of bugs. once she was concussed and in the hospital and subconsciously calling her bugs to her so she was just covered in insects while the doctor tried to help her. then there was ANOTHER time she was hospitalized and got bored so she made a bunch of bugs so a little dance on her chest. whenever she's in costume and talking she has her bugs make noises to distort her voice and make her sound more scary and she doesnt even realize shes doing it anymore. she surrounds herself in a swarm to disorient her enemies. she doesn't even notice when her hair covers her eyes or anything like that because shes scouting out the area using her bugs so she doesnt have to see. she once used a tide of bugs to clean herself off and dust off her dress after having sex.

#she views herself as more of a swarm of bugs with a girl-shaped computer to control them than a girl herself#her body is just an extension of her bugs which is large and inconvenient but ultimately part of the weapon

#taylor “dissociates into bugs” hebert#taylor “keeps bugs in her hair” hebert#taylor “choke them with bugs” hebert#taylor “no one could ever love me” hebert#taylor “violence is always the answer” hebert

#normally i would want a worm character to win#but#bdubs is a strange little man. he's unusual.#Taylor's just got the 'tism.

she literally is a walking superorganism comprised of one human and a lot more bugs to the point where she frequently moves her head as if she can see through walls (with her bugs, she can), talks through her bugs, has been described like a corpse whose ghost is living on in her swarm, keeps functioning thru her bugs even when her human body is out for the count, et cetera. no disrespect intended but genuinely what in the world are you talking about. She cleans her pussy off with bugs after fucking. Her pussy. With bugs. And she thinks it's normal. Because the bugs are part of her. Is this thing on. I reiterate that she literally requires an emotional support cloak of bugs. She is so dissociated from being an actual person that she treats her human body like an inconvenience and her bugs like the primary operators. Is This Thing On.

#now i told myself i wouldnt comment anything on the rb... but#“She cleans her pussy off with bugs after fucking. Her pussy. With bugs.” CHAT IS THAT FUCKIN REAL??? IS THAT CANON???#cause if thats just a hc thats wild and i dont know if its better or worse if its canon#propaganda

this is indeed canon! there is a scene where, after fucking her boyfriend in an abandoned building, she stands up and cleans dust/etc off her naked ass body by having her bugs run across her and clean her, which presumably translates to "they are eating the dirt/sweat/etc off her." her boyfriend smiles affectionately at this, because he also has something wrong with him. she also does things like use bugs and spider silk to deliver her toothbrush straight to her hand in the morning while monologuing about "checking in on her hive" (her hive is the people in her villain territory.) she is a walking panopticon. her friends sometimes talk to bugs under the assumption it's taylor watching them and they're always right. at one point she confusedly asks someone if he's arachnophobic because he doesn't want her 10k black widow spiders to live in his apartment with him. she is basically like if a cockroach was a girl. I would never lie to you about Taylor Hebert, Unsung Champion of Polls About Weird Characters.

#taylor ofc#wait hey those are my tags as propaganda!! cool!#i stand by it#anyways yeah one of her main character traits when looked at by an outside perspective is just how WEIRD she is#everyone thinks she's a freak#even when you're reading her POV you sometimes have to stop and be like 'hey girl what the fuck'#one time she put bugs on her boyfriend's dick

She also turns into a bug monster at one point. Not all on her own, but she very much turns into a bug monster. Literally And Physically.

• And she uses this to survive like a cockroach, she had Just Been Ripped In Fucking Half and thrown in the ocean to die and BOOM. bug monster transformation (with a little help) climb out and keep fighting, against an opponent so vast and powerful a human couldn't even comprehend his true form (not eldritch cognitohazard, just planet-sized + multidimensional), who could kill her in an instant. She's always surviving against the odds she's so cockroach coded (affectionate!) #@ pollrunner if you're still accepting propaganda please take the 'turns into a bug monster' as propaganda#the rest can be ignored or trimmed to 'she's always surviving she's so cockroach coded' but pleamse. the Time she Became A Bug • #she's such a freak!!!#she kills like it's the only thing she was built how to do#she kills people and things like it's chess and she's a grandmaster#as soon as the violence is off she's just a fucked up offputting little one woman panopticon • One of my favourite descriptions of Taylor from someone else's POV, from Interlude 14.

“A figure stood behind Yan. Her costume was barely recognizable—She wore a short cape of tattered black cloth over her body armor, a skintight black suit beneath that, and there were folds of black cloth draped around her legs like a dress or a robe. The entire fabric seemed to ripple and move. It took Sierra a second to realize it was crawling with a carpet of insects.” “The disconcerting part was the girl’s face, or lack thereof. Her expression was masked behind a shifting mass of bugs that moved in and out of her hairline. Sierra couldn’t even tell where the bugs ended and the scalp began, as the small black bodies crawled into and onto the black curls. There was a hint of something like glass where Skitter’s eyes were, but the bugs ventured far enough over her eyelids and around the frames that nothing was visible in the way of goggles, glasses or skin.” “Skitter hadn’t made a sound as she entered. She hadn’t spoken, and her footsteps had been quiet.”

Goodtimeswithscar (Hermitcraft / life series)

Scared for life

I must say that scar, who is a vex and an elf, wins this one.

He was also a witch, but was so busy building an airplane he didn't even notice it. Probably because he is so used to shape changing, having also been a pirate, wizard, trader, superhero, and imagineer.

There were also some rumors about him being a mattress store but those have been debunked.

[pumpkin-bread]

Tipsy Lair Review for @dreamslayer-fr!

Thanks for tha CR. I'm always delighted to look at your lair.

Accidentally posted a link but like, sure. Anyway. FUCK YEA. DOUBLE ELDRTICH GEN 1.

Everyone knows ol Kai loves g1s. I also love a dragon with a backstory, and Sana has a good one. Thief/merc with morals, who befriended a harpy. V nice. V nice.

Ohh I love me a pretty tundra. Oh look, here's one! Honeydew petals is simply one of the best colour/gene combos out there, and it has been for... god, so many years. I have a honeydew petals tundra of my own actually! Because they deserve to be rainbow bicorns.

I started writing then realised that Bloom does NOT have a bio. WHOOPSY. Whatever. She's great.

To make up for that I'll throw out right here that I love your mooshroom tuntun man in the same lair. Precious.

...It's DEFINITELY cheating to pick dragons I made for sale but I will say it brings me much serotonin to see them so loved in your lair. Okay.

ONWARDS

She looks so cool! And she's named after one of my favourite animals in the world! I once more made an oopsy and thought I had a bio to go off of but I don't so instead I'm gonna say that the thought of a pirate captain who is also a deep sea eldritch monster fucks severely. That's what her amazing look inspired me to think of. Hell yea. Belladonna is so gorgeous too. Wait. Did we talk about them on discord? I think we did! Or I'm just drunk. Shit. Whatever, I love them.

Wraith is so fucking handsome!! Look at him!! LOOK AT HIM. May your eyes be rended from your skull in flame like his. You will never see something more divine. Anyway I love g1s.

I've seen this fella in your lair before but I'm gonna be honest. I NEVER notived he was a gen 1 before now. Fire/Fire/Metals? That's fuckin awesome. What a guy. I see he is also a cute lil owlman. Please tell me more.

I LOVE YOUR LAIR

[tobiasdrake]

Entering The Forlorn Temple.

Yeah, this place looks pretty forlorn alright. But I wouldn't necessarily say it's any more forlorn than the woods I was just in.

Oh, cool, the sun's coming out. It must be dawn.

I. Uh. I guess. That means I could have waited five minutes and not fought the Leaf Monster that only comes out during full moon nights. <.< Awkward.

There's probably a lesson in that about impulsivity but fuck if I'm gonna learn shit when I'm on a mission!

Wait wait wait, the Demon King destroyed our stronghold? We had a stronghold?

*think think think think think*

...what, Clockwork Castle? Or something else? Sorry, I was super invested in the Luana Fable and didn't pay much attention to any of the other key history lessons. As the goddess teaches, "I have better things to do with my life than pay attention to a boring-ass instructor."

No, for real, if it's Clockwork Castle, I am going to laugh so hard. You have no idea.

Because that already belonged to them in the first place.

You can't just say shit like that to a follower of Luana and expect a cautious response, my guy. What you have described is a pristine MBD (Mad Bitchin' Deed) just begging for a bold enough ninja to carry it out.

I am that ninja. I am the night. A shadow dancing around the edge of a moonbeam. A grasping hand around your back. A knife in a locked storeroom. I am.....

...wait, I think I said that wrong. Can I have a do-over?

This is it. "Oh, Ninja, you're too much of a wimp to make this jump" FUCKING WATCH ME

...what?

That's. That's not supposed to happen. I was supposed to soar like an eagle and look awesome doing it. I don't understand.

Is someone coming to let me out so that I can try again?

...

Does impulsiveness have consequences?

HOLY FUCK WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

I mean. Hi? You look like a very nice... uh... tadpole?

That sounds horrifying. I'm sorry that you were born some sort of eldritch embodiment of terror.

Yeah, that's pretty understandable. I was. Um. Pushed. By someone very large. No idea who. He just came along and shoved me. It was super rude.

............

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ALL OF THE SHARDS ARE MINE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Bestie, you're gonna be sad you missed out on this!

...

Oh. I made myself lonely.

There we go. HEY BESTIE HOW'S THINGS?

Yeah, we're down here right now. On purpose. I did this super cool triple backflip quarter axle maneuver into a swan dive and shot straight down this huge pit. It was the best. Sorry you missed it.

How are things? Did you know I just fought a Leaf Monster? It was so cool. Didn't even touch me once. He was like "HAHA Razor Leaves!" and I was like "This ain't fuckin' Pokemon asshole SCHWAZING".

I was amazing.

._. Please validate me fighting a Leaf Monster because it was very scary and you are my only friend. Apart from the shopkeep who I might not be allowed to associate with.

Purple wizard? Purple wizard! Some sort of necromancer, I guess! Maybe Roro? I remember reading about a necromancer named Roro. I think she was a close, personal friend of Luana's.

Let's see. If that is Roro, then I believe the phrase to identify me as a friend to her is... Right! Ahem.

"HEEEEEEY BESTIE!!!"

Aaaaaaaaand undead horrors. Well, that's rude. Must not have heard me.

HEY! BESTIE! WAIT U--

Okay, in my defense, that time was an accident. But it is nice to see you again, all the same.

Please don't be jealous that I was calling the necromancer "Bestie". For you, it's a term of endearment because we're besties, but for her, it's a code phrase. It's supposed to make her realize that we're friends and stop trying to kill me.

Well, I was getting to that. But then I saw these cool catacombs and decided of my own volition, mind you that I would come check them out. It's like a side quest. Sometimes you're strolling along and you see this whole-ass dungeon and you're like, "There. I'm gonna go there."

So, yeah. Now I'm here. And I'm gonna finish out this deliberate sidequest and see if I get any cool rewards for it. How's life for you?

[complete-idiot-in-love]

Once Upon a Witchlight: Episode 49 (SPOILERS AHEAD)

I'm not prepared for having to wait for these episodes, watching episode 50 will BREAK me fr fr because I love these goofy bitches so much

No Derek/Frosty in this episode :(

Kremy singing to the unicorn is so sweet!!

Mikey does a really good Frost impression

I feel really bad for the unicorn :(

The newest party “Grinko, Steve, Frank, Gideon and Kevin” /j

Please give Kremy a unicorn named Mia

“We’re all just pawns on the chess board of life” I love it when Torbek gets philosophical, its so funny fr fr

Gideon saying he's only accidentally killed five clowns is really funny lmao

THE SMART UNICORN DOESN'T KNOW WHO THE KING OF HEARTS IS, HE'S SO SUS!!!

ALSO THEY CONFIRMED MY THEORY THAT ZYBILNA IS TASHA FROM TASHA’S HIDEOUS LAUGHTER

KREMY STOP CURSING IN FRONT OF THE UNICORN, SHE ASKED YA NICELY

“I’m not a bard, you see me wearin fluffy pantaloons and a ridiculous instrument I strum around with and a crazy hat?” WOW, RUDE GIDEON! I’M LITERALLY RIGHT HERE AND YOU’RE INSULTING MY CLASS

I DON'T SAY HEYNINNY HEYNINNYHO EVER, STOP BULLYING ME >:( I'M JUST A BARD!!!

Gideon bullies his adopted satyr child (canon) /j

I swear to the gods, if Twig’s patron is the Baba Yaga I’m gonna scream. I love folktales and mythology

It makes sense cause they both have houses with feet and it would be so funny if Twig’s patron is the BBEG

Oil can named Squirt HAHAHAHA

The peter pan reference was hard to understand but funny

GUYS NIGHT!!! (With my S/I!!)

BUTTERFLY BARD!!!!! BARD BESTIES!!!!!!

I LOVE THE BUTTERFLY BARD

Mia and Jeff!!!

This butterfly bard is so weird, stop speaking in rhymes I can't understand anything you're saying!!

I love it when Torbek tries to be artistic or acts more artistically inclined than he actually is, makes me think that my S/I’s artistic nature is rubbing off on him uwu (Two a((r/u))tistic besties!!  /j)

Torbek being absolutely terrified of hippos is so damn funny

NO GIDEON, DON'T FIGHT A HIPPO!!

“Gricko, what the fuck is a lion king and a SNES???” - My S/I (Gricko breaking the fourth wall is so damn funny to me, bro is an eldritch god fr fr /j)

Grinko grimgrin :)

STOP RHYMING, YOU'RE CONFUSING THE HIMBOS!!

If Gricko multiclasses into Bard, I would be very happy fr fr. That dude is always singing or making song references

OH GODS THE BUTTERFLY GOT US LOST

My headcanon is the reason my S/I doesn’t participate in the conversations is cause they're busy knitting while riding on Hootsie

Nikkie’s goat plush is so cute!!

OH NO, AN OLD LADY HAS FALLEN!! SHE NEEDS LIFE ALERT!!

I bet she’s a hag tbh

Gricko has a foot fetish /j

I may have Baldur's Gate 3 on the brain but AUNTIE ETHEL??? LIKE THE FUCKIN HAG FROM THAT GAME????? WAS I RIGHT???

Aw, she’s a widow :(

KREMY NOOOOOO, DON’T GIVE THE OLD LADY CURSED FEY COINS!!!!

NIKKIE TOTALLY SHIPS GIDEON X KREMY “You look to Gideon and think about what you would do if Gideon were to pass away suddenly” “you don't have to call me out like that!” I LOVE MY DADS >:3

RUFIOH FEYWILD CHILD WITH A WOODEN SWORD, IS THIS WILL OF THE FEYWILD??